Okay, here comes the inevitable...

Avatar review.

Since I have it on authority that all twelve of the people currently residing in the United States who have not already seen the movie are fanatical readers of this humble blog, I am honor bound to enlighten them.

Note, please, that this review contains not one single spoiler. Such is not even possible, since the plot of Avatar is such an off-the-shelf product that anyone who has ever seen an adventure movie in his or her life will already know the ending by the middle of the first act. In detail. If you're looking for clever plot twists and cool literary devices, metaphor and/or allegory, or indeed anything out of the ordinary at all, turn in your 3D glasses and go home. Wrong movie. You never see a single weapon (or animal, or plant, or protagonist or antagonist or single frame of film) in the first act which doesn't dutifully turn up to fulfill its foreshadowing in the final climactic battle. At the end of the second act you will learn the detailed answer to the only remaining question in your mind, so let your heart not be troubled; with the exception of a few biological unlikelihoods, this movie leaves no slightest loose thread.

However, as I did admit to my companion W (who loved every second of this movie, BTW,) it's really very well done for what it is. Once you relax to the fact that you've seen this plot a hundred times before, the question becomes 'how well will they handle all the obligatory plot points?' And the answer is, really quite well. It had some truly exciting moments. In this great scene where Our Hero is whipping up the clans to war, I'd been warned the monologue was swiped right from Braveheart. Maybe so, I don't know, but it's done better. That scene made me want to leave the theater right then and go disembowel some military contractors. Warnings by some that the plot is Dances With Wolves meets Pocahontas were, in my opinion, not quite true. Almost, very close at times, but never quite. Just when I was afraid I was going to have to ask someone to gag me with an exotic hardwood spoon, the plot stopped rhapsodizing about Noble Blue Cat-Women In Harmony With Nature and got back to business. I appreciated that very much.

Which leaves us with the one element in which the movie is big news, the visuals. All I can say is, Oh, My F'ing God. Do you remember the Star Wars prequels, in which Lucas packed every incredibly busy scene with every conceivable thing just because he could, whether it ruined the film or not? This wasn't like that. The visuals are busy, yes, but then you'd expect a rain forest to be. They are exotic and weird at times, but then you'd want an alien planet to be. The colors are so rich, the grotesqueries so satisfying that all else, including the fact that you still have to wear an updated version of those damned glasses, is forgiven. If you're gonna see this movie, for god's sake pay the money and see it on the big screen. I've never had any use for 3D, but this was a world apart. It was done cleverly, subtly, in every way enhancing the experience rather than just being a distracting gimmick for the children. If only they could find a way to lose the glasses, nobody would ever shoot an adventure film in 2D again; it's that much better.

I'd really like to go see it again.