Okay, this is starting to make me mad. So let's go over it again.

I'm seeing all these snarks from people who are frightened by firearms, suggesting that a person with an AR-15 is carrying a big gun to compensate for his small ... endowment.

This cannot be the case, as I will now proceed to demonstrate. Kindly pay attention.

This is a big gun:

And this is a big gun.



This is a really big gun.



Here's an absurdly big gun. I just can't imagine what horrifying deficiency this poor guy must be compensating for.



This...is a wee-wee. Hint: It's the only one that comes in pink.



Now, for my compensating needs I prefer the first rifle above. It's long, heavy, solid - it has that old-fashioned heft the ladies like, and shoots projectiles whose weight is measured with three digits. I wouldn't feel undercompensated with the second one, but plastic stocks just feel --- I don't know, circumsized somehow. Y'know? The third and fourth examples, those are for guys with some serious self-image problems. I'd suggest therapy - and a job in investment banking to keep themselves in ammo.

But an AR? Naw. A guy who's carrying an AR is clearly very self-secure. He's probably a porn star or something, because that's the only way he could ever get away with such a wimpy little rifle. So seriously, my hoplophobic friends, you need to get your terms right.

I have no explanation for the Hummer. Maybe he just borrowed it while his Prius was in the shop.