More (and less) tactical than thou...

I've been aware for some years now that my tacticool elevator doesn't even go near the top. I consider it a sign of my continuing development as a human being that this no longer bothers me. Very much. All the time.

Some tacticoolity (Tacticoolness? Tacticoolination? Supertactifrajalisticexpialidocous!) just really doesn't make a lot of sense. Some does, even when it isn't very "cool."

Take "tactical" pants, for example. Truth is that if they came in solid colors (at decent prices, in the same quality as surplus, and maybe without those blousing ribbons on the bottom) I'd wear nothing else. They're very comfortable, roomy, cool, and far less susceptible to wearing out the thighs than jeans. But what's available online for good prices is all surplus, which means you're pretty quickly demoted to the redneck faded camouflage ghetto. "Camouflage," on a townie sidewalk, is anything but. But for bashing around the boonies, where fashion doesn't mean a damn thing, there's absolutely nothing better than surplus.

"Tactical" vests - just a fashion statement, as far as I'm concerned. I knew a guy in California whose full-on "tactical" getup looked like he'd just come from an ad shoot. He looked like a recruiting poster for the unorganized militia, in his tailored MOLLE vest and hydration system. I looked like something that had fallen off a truck and rolled down the Interstate for 20 yards, in my VN-era web gear w/chunky belt canteens. It was kind of embarrassing. But after a few hours in the Mojave he was suffering and peeling off gear, and I wasn't. So who was tactical and who was "tacticool?"

This comes to mind - as so many posts of this sort do - after reading a forum thread about flashlights. Geekdom comes in so many varieties, on so very many topics, that I really should stop being startled when I encounter it on what seems a very prosaic and non-controversial topic, like flashlights. Yup, there are flashlight geeks. They are passionate on the topic of flashlights, which to me is like getting worked up about spatulas. Sure, everybody's got one. But who'd really spend $200 on one, or get all concerned about how many features it has or wax all superior about "cree rings," whatever they are? I just want it to light up when I push the button. Every single time.

I kept my mouth shut on this thread, being all too aware of how very uncool I am. Yes, I do carry a flashlight all day. But it's not a cool flashlight. It's not spiky or dull green. It has one setting! (Loser!) And I'm almost afraid to mention in this company that I bought it to replace my (Oh, Pa-lease!) Mini-Mag.

I did buy a semi-cool flashlight once, he blurted in his own defense. I bought a Streamlight "tactical" flashlight guaranteed in writing to burn out retinas at 600 yards. The guarantee was useful, since I mailed it back to the manufacturer twice. It used those CR123 batteries that cost like Niflheim if you don't buy them in bulk, and it killed them with monotonous regularity. Every time I needed that flashlight, it didn't work. I hated it. I went back to the Mini-Mag.

Which really wasn't as bright as I needed. One day while in a Costco about two years ago buying bulk staples, I found a flashlight I didn't really have a lot of hope for.



This is a Leatherman "Monarch 500." No, I don't think Leatherman makes it; it's made in China and only sold at Costco. The styling left me completely cold. I knew the Velcro on that oversized holster flap wasn't going to last. I didn't know anything about LED lights, and didn't trust them. But the Mini-Mag really wasn't getting it outdoors, I needed to do something, and this was 30 bucks. So on a whim I tossed one into the basket.

That was over a year and a half ago, and now it never leaves my belt. No, it doesn't look cool. Yes, it's got "cree rings," not that I care. I didn't buy it at BLACKHAWK!!!111ZOMG, or however that dumb company spells its name this week. And it doesn't even any spikes to whop the mutant zombie bikers with. I ended up cutting that stupid flap right off the holster, when the Velcro failed after the first month. But the 3 AAA batteries (oh, how outré!) need replacing about every nine months and give you plenty of warning. The shiny case turns out to have the advantage of letting you find the damned thing after you juggled it into some rocks, and dropping it on rocks doesn't seem to harm it in any way. It's just a good, solid, basic flashlight.