The disadvantages of out-of-the-way little towns...

Yesterday morning I cut all the straight sections out of the salvaged 4-inch sewer pipe I need to run from the Lair to the septic barrels, and determined that I was short 2 pipe unions. Landlady wanted to go to town anyway, so I grabbed my shopping list and we drove the 12 miles to the little town closest to us and went to the hardware store.

The hardware store in this little town is a local legend for never having what you need. And even after four years, it can still surprise me. I looked in the aisle where the PVC and ABS pipe fittings are supposed to be, and couldn't find any 4-inch fittings at all. So I went and asked the guy at the counter. "Oh, yeah. We've got those in back. How many you need?"

Hopeful, I told him I needed two. He went out to the yard. A few minutes later he looked me up where I was prowling aisles. "We've only got one," he said.

Heavy sigh.

"Anything else we can do for you?"

"Have you got any yellow fuel cans for diesel?"

"No, we only have red."

I consulted my list. "How about a roll of friction tape?"

"What's 'friction tape?'"

"Shut-off valves for a sink hose?"

"We're out of those."

"Eight-inch stove pipe?"

"We only carry six inch."

I'm trying to think of a time when I've driven out of their parking lot without thinking this would be a great place to build a hardware store, if only we could bulldoze the building that's taking up all that valuable space. When you're the only one in town, nobody's clamoring to compete with you and the next nearest is a 40-mile drive one way, you apparently can pretty much get away with murder.