The Ultimate Answer to Kings: I must lay flowers on the grave of Alexander Cummings.

They say that Louis XIV had the inscription Ultima Ratio Regum cast into all the cannon of the French Army. It means "The Ultimate Argument of Kings," and that always struck me as one of the most honest and up-front things any ruler or would-be ruler ever said. "We can dress it up prettier than this, but when it comes down to the unvarnished truth this is what it's about: You'll do as I say or I'll send my goons to kill you."

I thought about that for a long time. If there's an ultimate argument, it seems only logical that there must be an ultimate answer. For years I thought the ultimate answer must be the bullets in my rifle, but it never seemed quite right. I've got bullets - he's got frigging Cannon Balls. I mean, if there were three hundred million rifles throwing bullets at him, then maybe. But we all know that's not going to happen. So if there's an ultimate answer to his ultimate argument, it sure as hell ain't bullets.

It finally came to me - and that's when I left the city, abandoned a goodly percentage of my goods, and gave all that was behind me a good, stiff Randian Shrug.

The ultimate answer to kings is not a bullet, but a belly laugh.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I must lay flowers on the grave of Alexander Cummings.

I am convinced that the greatest creation of western culture is the flush toilet. I stand - and occasionally sit - in awe at its simple elegance, its ability to make one of life's most noisome byproducts simply go away, at the press of a small lever.

Truly, a marvelous invention. I accelerate my efforts to possess one of my very own.

2 comments:

Guffaw in AZ said...: Seriously, I thought it was Thomas Crapper?; April 11, 2011 at 11:00 AM
Joel said...: So did I, but that turns out not to be the case.

http://www.snopes.com/business/names/crapper.asp

Guess that story was too good to be true.; April 11, 2011 at 11:07 AM